Hello and welcome to Faith Filled Friday. Today I decided to let myself get out and take a drive. I didn’t want to answer phones, read Facebook or text messages. I didn’t want to be inside. I felt like I needed to look for something. So I took to the road, happy to just be out in the daylight as I don’t get out in it anywhere near enough. It was nice to listen to my music and feel the temperature outside feel just right. Though it was nice and quite peaceful, I still had that feeling I was looking for something. Most of my life I have felt like I am on a journey for something special. It comes at times, but never stays. It’s the thing that I feel comes from being a part of a family…love. But was I seeking it today? It didn’t quite feel that way.
In my last relationship I had grown to truly love my girlfriend’s daughter…so much. I have always wanted my own children. I have always loved the thought of being a family man with something/someone to come home to, something/someone to be inspired by and even fight for if need be. Doesn’t that something or someone give more meaning to life? For me it’s just everything, but we can’t always get what we want most in life. While driving I found myself thinking about my ex-girlfriend’s daughter. It made me so sad and I could not help but wonder if this thing I was looking for was just letting this child I love go in some way so that it did not continue to break my heart. It has been hard the last year and two months; this heartbreak of losing not just my girlfriend but her daughter as well was like a double-whammy!
Eventually I ended up in a huge Target parking lot where everyone was scuffling about at the end of their day. It had just gotten dark and I saw several cars go by a mother and her daughter waiting with shopping cart just outside the store waiting to walk across to the parking lot. They just kept whizzing by as if they weren’t there! I opted to stop and my window was down so I could hear the mother say out loud, “Thank-you!”
My headlights were on and I was far back enough to where she could not really see me. As they walked across in front of me, her daughter looked over and despite most likely not even being able to see me through the brightness of the headlights, I saw her start to look at me, and out of nowhere she started smiling.
I couldn’t help but wonder if she was smiling at me or just smiling as children sometimes do but I soon got my answer because then she waved at me. She was so adorable, and her smile hit me like a freight train of happiness. I waved at the little girl and as our paths parted I found myself realizing I had found not what I looking for but what I needed. I just needed a smile from someone.
I have been feeling incredible loneliness in my life and sometimes just the simple acknowledgment from someone helps me know I’m alive. I can’t tell you how much that little girl’s smile and wave meant to me. I drove around to the back of the stores and pulled off the side of the road and just had a cry. Being a man I try my best to not cry, but sometimes you just can’t help it.
Toward the end of my emotional side coming out, I felt a peace, too. I heard a voice inside literally say to me “You can let her go.” But it wasn’t for my x-girlfriend. It was for her daughter. Love itself can sometimes become such a huge burden on this planet. But love also sees us through. I’ve always worried that this girl I thought of as my own would think I abandoned her. This completely broke my heart thinking about it, because I myself was abandoned as a child many times. But after tonight, seeing that little girl smile and wave at me, that thought vanished and in its place is a feeling that she will know I loved her so much and that she will be ok.
So as much it has hurt me and still does… tonight I find myself just being ok and thankful for the time I had with her. I pray that she will continue to have a great upbringing with her mother. I pray that her mother finds the happiness she seeks. But I am also praying and saying thanks to God for this moment of sending His love and peace through the eyes, the smile and the wave of a child. And to think if I had just driven on by like everyone else, I could have missed it too.
Until next week’s Faith Filled Friday,