Welcome back everyone to Faith Filled Friday. If you hadn’t realized yet, I’m a pretty introspective person. But lately I have been trying to look even deeper, looking to understand why I feel things more than most people. Introspection has been something I have had my entire life. It can certainly take a toll on me, that is, to feel things so deep, but on the other hand it can be such a gift sometimes. I really want that out of life. I want to feel everything. I want to not only feel the wind on my face, but feel the words that people speak in conversation. I want to not only see the stars above my head but feel them from within.
Since the accidents I have been in, life surely has turned around and headed me in a different direction. I have really learned what it is like having to change life on a dime and go in a new direction. I can feel the fear that I have carried for so long, the fear that I finally started dismantling some years back. It’s taken so long and as I have overcome in some areas, I have worsened in others.
Sure I want to feel life, but I am so tired of feeling so much of the physical and emotional pain. I seek to feel balance. I have always sought balance in life, but I am uncertain how to feel it. Ghandi once said: “Where there is love, there is life.” I want so bad to share the things I love and am passionate about with someone I love. It seems so much at times that it can burst out of me at the seams. It might sound weird but every morning I wake, I do it for love. Every morning I tell myself that I want to not be led down the rabbit hole of hate, despair, negativity. When I wake I think of what I’d like to get done for the day and what I can get done for the day. Sure there is always work to do, but what can I do for the world, for friends, for others, for myself?
I have spent so much of my life putting others first. I often don’t think I even realize how much. I used to tell my last girlfriend that for me it was my church. She would want me to go to church with her, but things from childhood make it hard. I don’t want to go to a spiritual place to feel fear or have to pray. I want to feel spirituality in helping others. It’s then when I can feel an incredible feeling of being humble, being thankful, living life beyond the common denominator. I have been shamed so much in life for this. I can see why people have shared that with me. I used to say no. But if I really am open to this thing called feeling, well I really needed to not see what a few others have told me, but feel it. When I allowed myself to feel, I realized that in part they were right. I have often helped others to circumvent maybe taking on my own problems, maybe even my own feelings. So I have been working on me in a different way, and in more than one way.
I will continue to rise for love, but I am also learning more and more to rise for the love of myself. I really started thinking lately about how we can invite others to feel more and express in a productive mannerism than respond in some form of default mode to the things they see that bug us. I just know that the world seems to be on auto pilot of so much negativity. I feel I have so much to share with people, something that could make people close their eyes and feel the rain on their face, feel the cool water from the ocean as it rides to the beach upon a wave at its peak, to then feel the sand withdraw from the back of the ankles. Not so much just in the physical world, but the soul. To feel things that deep inside is intense, but we have to also protect ourselves from those who see these deep feelings and sensitivities as a default. To feel intensely is to wake within self.
So it all goes back to the balance of things… I want to seek more balance in life, to feel it rising from both sides of the heart and soul. Is that what being complete might be? Is there ever really such a thing? I am all ears at this point, but more importantly I am all in…a sort of sensory feeling from the watchtower…
Much love everyone,