Cleaning the Closet (conclusion to He’s a Housekeeper, too?) From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power and thanks for joining me today. We are hopefully going to be finishing up this series and the final room that He is cleaning with us and for us is the closet. Grab your coffee and come in and get comfy. 🙂

Jesus began to review the pieces of the puzzle with me. “Can you see how all of these effects are closely woven together, one effect creating another effect?”

I nodded my head in understanding.

“All of these effects produce this perpetual cycle which make it almost impossible to climb out of this ‘box of effects/pieces’.”

“Then why do You allow it, Father?” I began weeping with guilt and anger, guilt for questioning His love for me, anger for the man who had seemingly destroyed my life through his abusive hands, anger toward myself for my inability to understand. I dared to look up into His face in the silence that followed. It was all too overwhelming and the silence was suffocating.

He didn’t answer right then. Instead, He picked up another piece, this one actually a part of the frame and I just knew it was going to be a big piece of the actual picture of my life. He placed it and began explaining its significance on my life.

“This next piece is the effect the abuse has had on your ability to watch what you do and say in some objective manner, which means that your sense of reality has differed from actuality. Until we began cleaning the rooms of your heart, you were not capable of realizing how you come across to others, nor were you aware of your defensive attitudes and how your actions have pushed people away.” He let out a sigh, acknowledging my comprehension.

“You, like many others, Beloved, continued to perpetuate the cycle by trying to prove yourself invaluable in the lives of those you entwined but the motive was self-gratification under the guise of nurturing, and projecting your unfulfilled needs, all the while running further and further from your true self and your ability to see yourself accurately or the emotional effects of your behavior – words, attitudes, and actions – has had on others.”

His tone was full of love, not condemning and yet I was uncomfortable in my own skin as a sense of guilt about some of my parenting skills, or lack thereof, came to the surface of my mind. The realization that I had added to my son’s cycle  was almost too much to bear.

“Don’t worry about your son, Beloved. I love him even more than you and some day, I will be cleaning out the rooms of his heart as well.”

I wept, only this time tears of joy as I allowed myself to believe in His promise.

“See, your sense of self-awareness was blocked because of the amount of pain endured by others’ behaviors; therefore, you have not been able to see others’ pain that you yourself caused. Hence, the residual effect of the victim-perpetrator cycle comes into the puzzle.”

He put the piece in its place and the weirdest thing happened. The picture had begun to change color. I shook my head, wondering if my eyes were playing tricks on me and looked again. Nope, the colors had really changed and though much of the dark painful colors were still there, the pieces as they came together were beginning to bring a color that softened the pain, and freed me of the pain at the same time.

“There are several other pieces, but let me give you this other big one.” He bent over and added it to the puzzle that was becoming more of a decipherable picture. “This one entwines with many other pieces and as you can see, it gives even more clarity.”

I shook my head in amazement.

“This piece is the almost innate tendency to control your surroundings, including the people in your life, which is due to a lack of trusting. And it isn’t just to be controlling, but to have a sense of being in control. This effect, or this piece, produces other residual effects such as self-medicating, which more often than not leads to addiction, obsessive-compulsive behaviors in one, some, or all areas of functioning in life, and eating disorders, be it anorexia or bulimia, which are also a form of control.”

I remembered many instances of my world being out of control and feeling the need to have control of something, and how that had led me to every one of the effects He had just mentioned.

“Let me finish, Beloved, with this which will answer your last question: Sin, as defined in the Bible, is not just a wrong, an iniquity or an offense one commits, but an infliction put upon by another. In other words, child abuse, the wrong, reaps effects caused by the wrongdoing of another, which in turn, causes more effects. Child abuse is a process rather than a linear cause-and-effect phenomenon. It goes without saying that there follows a longer process in becoming whole; that is, the longer the abuse, the more pieces there are to the puzzle. I did not make it happen, my precious daughter. Your step-father chose to do what he did and your mother chose to do what she did. What is very important that you understand is the truth, that every time sin was committed to you or on you, I wept.“

I ran and sat at His feet, weeping with understanding, crying for all the years I had lost I stared at the almost-empty box, feeling a sense of peace that comes with understanding, for the picture that the puzzle had created was my life, coming together one effect at a time, and it was only by understanding that I could dare to break the cycle of the effect of the effects.

The pieces, as they had come together had rid me of the shame and my mode of just surviving, had helped me to develop my observing ego, freeing me from the need to control. All of the pieces brought with them color that gave contrast, enabling me to understand, in more depth, how the effects of child abuse had affected my life.

He reminded me that, yes, there are still pieces to take from the box that would complete the puzzle of my life, but by allowing Him to keep the rooms of my heart clean, He would reveal how and where those pieces fit in. Oh, how good it is to have a clean closet!

Washed in His Grace

Evinda

P.S. I am so humbled by the healing process I’ve gone through as I’ve allowed Him to clean out my own closet, and I’m even more humbled that He has used the essay that He wrote through me several years ago while in pursuit for my purpose, an essay that illuminated upon my own journey so brightly that when I was finished writing it, I put my head down and sobbed. These sobs racked through my body for several minutes, cleaning out many of the pieces that had stayed hidden in my own closet for way too long. I pray that the pieces help to clean out whatever is in your closet! 🙂

 

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    Thank you for stopping by “Coffee Hour”.
    Humbly Blessed,
    Evinda

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