Happy to be Sad, From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to Coffee Hour and welcome to “Happy to be Sad,” a series based on the last eight days of my mom’s life. There’s so many things that my heart captured and I must get them out and share them. I am still somewhat overwhelmed with sadness, but more overwhelmed by the hand of Grace that I see so vividly now, looking back and rewinding my mom’s final moments. Grab your coffee and come on in.

I’d like to start off with sharing a little bit of my journal entry of Wednesday, December 8th with you before I got the phone call that she was being transferred back to the hospital. I hope and pray that my transparency will add insight into your own journey of loving the unlovable/difficult people in your life, which I am now convinced we must do because it works!

“I don’t know any other way to deal with her but to run, turn it off. This staying and loving her despite her is very uncomfortable and exhausting, to say the least! Is this why I feel so oppressed? So inadequate? I need to pray with scripture. Why don’t I? I see the new leash on life being extended to her and I am powerless because I realize I can’t make her take it. This is just so hard to watch. My soul hurts.”

See, in my mind, I knew that God had allowed this fall to get her sober, to give her a chance to love and be of sober mind. My brothers and I had talked several times about the need for her not to go home after the hospital, but to find an assisted-living type place, so in my mind I was making plans, and deep within my heart was a seed of hope inspired by the scripture that says: “The Lord will restore all that the locusts have stolen.” I look back on the two weeks now and know that that was a source of strength for me, that faith mixed with hope.

Now, I’ll pick up from where I left off a couple of weeks ago, which was Wednesday night at the hospital. She’s now situated in her room and I’ve met with the RN and the social worker who gave me a packet of paperwork to fill out for MediCal. It looked like a little paperback, seriously! Hours later, finally, I got to speak to the doctor, who began to ask her questions, some of which she answered correctly, and others not correctly. She was definitely confused and disoriented, probably due to the Librium, which the doctor told me he would reduce from 50 milligrams to 25 every eight hours.

Librium is the medication to help with the alcohol withdrawals. The funny thing about it, though, is the only symptom she was really having was excessive irritability and downright nastiness. Anyway, seeing how she was a whopping 96 pounds, I concurred with the doctor’s decision. He also told me he was concerned that she had a gastric bleed so we had to get her to sign for a procedure to check that, which she didn’t agree to at first. She also had a serious amount of fluid on her lungs, definitely anemic; she was definitely one very sick woman.

Let me share with you excerpts from Thursday’s journal entry to capture the moments that make me happy that I’m so sad . . .

“My soul has been scraped. The days seem to be blending into one another and yet there have been some powerful moments I don’t ever want to forget. Mom was definitely confused yesterday, disoriented and going clear back to 1967, and sometimes further, stopping many times to cry. She started to show immediate improvement after two pints of blood. I watched her rest, held her hands or rubbed her legs, and I was able to, for the first time, look at her with eyes of love with all the wounds, pain and abuse right there, but separate. It was a weird kind of feeling, but I’m thinking I’m hearing, ‘you are seeing her as I do; separated from her sin.’ Her confessing that she didn’t even like herself and that she didn’t’ know how to express herself without anger was like winning a huge prize while handing me a mirror and allowing me to see her as if for the first time. I feel as though You are scraping my soul from any residue of unforgiveness for this woman. Help me to continue on in that attitude.”

Join me tomorrow for more moments that make me happy that I’m sad . . .


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One Response to “Happy to be Sad, From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power”

  1. Kathy says:

    I am here reading this and remembering the pain my dad suffered before he died. I had amazing moments of healing with my daddy before he went to be with Jesus. That was the most amazing peaceful feeling, being there when his soul left this earth. I KNOW I will see him again and I had peace but the tears still flow now and again. Special moments I know he would enjoy. Like loving on Haylie bug.