Loving the Unlovable-Step 6 from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power…

EL pen Logo with heartLoving the Unlovable

Step 6

It’s great to be with you again and to share more ways to extend the gift of grace that’s been given to us through loving the unlovable. Grab your coffee and come on in.

So let me ask you, did you send your card yet? You’re never going to know what could have happened if you don’t! My own process of learning how to love the unlovable/difficult people in my life continues to be challenging, especially with the first two on my list, but I am determined to love them despite them.

I am so enjoying sharing all these life experiences that have made this whole series come alive and Step 6 is no exception. Let me tell you what happened.

Step 6 came to me after receiving a real tongue lashing laced with

My mom whom I learned to love with all my heart

My mom whom I learned to love with all my heart

accusations from my biological mother who, remember, was number one on my list at the time. After she finished her verbal beating, she hung up on me, leaving me absolutely dumbfounded and reeking of her venom that she spewed all over me. It was as though I could smell her anger and taste her bitterness. Oh, how I wanted to call her back and give her a “what-for” and add some more coal to the fire, but greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!

I’m unsure how long I drove with my mouth open in shock, numb to other cars around me as my thoughts circled around possible retorts I could leave on her voicemail. I just know it had to be several miles before I was able to close my mouth and remember something I learned from my Al-Anon books as well as Scripture.

That’s the history behind Step 6, which is: Detach with love. I can hear you asking, what in the world does that look like?

Well, originally, this theory was a way for someone to relate with an alcoholic family member, but history has proven this is an amazing tool to use with anyone, especially the unlovable/difficult people in our life. To detach with love means caring enough about the unlovable person to step back and allow them to learn from their mistakes, or not! It is not a tactic to scare another into change; rather it is staying in your own lane, managing your own attitudes and behaviors because ultimately, when it comes down to it, we are absolutely powerless to control another anyway.

When we detach with love, we refuse to take responsibility for other people’s actions and attitudes, thus staying out of the way of the natural consequences that are sure to come from their behavior. To detach with love is to separate the sin from the sinner, just as Jesus does with us. This is grace on steroids!

As I continued to drive and think, I thought about these truths of detachment and little by little, the fire died down, one ember at a time, and soon I was singing to the radio again.

Now can you imagine your unlovable/difficult person without those adjectives you’ve assigned him or her? What does he or she look like now? Can a fire burn without something to ignite it? No. Detaching is like throwing water on the fire and actually has potential to add to our self-worth.

If I would have called her back and added coal to the fire, I would have lost some of my own humility, and frankly, no one on my list is worth giving any of that up! When we practice Step 6, we are able to look at what needs correcting within us and ultimately we are the winners because the unlovable person or people in our lives have contributed something to our growth. Journal some ways you can detach with love.

Loving the unlovable,


2014 Headshot


Be Sociable, Share!

Tags: , , , , , , ,

One Response to “Loving the Unlovable-Step 6 from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power”

  1. Jan Bachelor says:

    Good point. I can see how we want to confront the, what we feel is, unjust words of the unloveable ones with our own venom spewed from our anger. Yes, that does make us become part of the “two to tango” syndrome. If we don’t respond as is expected, well the poison stays on them. They are taken aback when their words are ignored and forgotten and they are left without the power they so wanted to stab and slash and hurt. It still hurts us, but if we stand on the bridge of forgiveness and indifference, we just cross on over to the calm side and leave the ugly wondering what happened huh?