Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power...

Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power…

EL pen Logo with heart

It’s good to be having coffee with you and sharing more of this series with you that is transforming me from the inside out. Only God can do that, take the task that feels gigantic and turn it into an exciting challenge that changes you along the way for the better. Grab your coffee and come on in.

We are almost done with our symptom check for the relationship infection, co-dependency. There are two more categories and then we will be able to determine just how infected we are.

The next silent but deadly symptom is “Impaired Identity Development.” As I write that, it sounds like a mental disease or something, but hang in there as we discover what that means through these symptoms. Here’s how we can determine if we have it. “Do you have trouble asking for what you want and need?”

Wow, talk about a loaded question! By the time our workshop came around, I was learning, albeit slowly, to ask for what I need, and He used the ministry of CPM, my husband as well as little Bryden to teach me to not assume that people know what I need when I need it without me asking! I call this assumptions and silent rules.

There were two examples running side by side, vying for my attention to this detail of expressing my needs: Bryden and CPM; although, CPM was first as far as presence, I believe the presence of Bryden woke me up to this issue. See, the CPM event team consists of about twenty-five volunteers who give freely of their time, talents, energy and love to put on events that help others with hurts, habits and hang-ups. It took me over a year and a half to recognize that I wasn’t alone and had a team willing and able to do all that needed to be done and that all I had to do was ask. So I’d have to honestly say that I learned to voice my needs first in the ministry and not in my own home!

And then there’s Bryden. He has always been incredibly expressive and months after he first joined our family, I

Nana Holds 2-23-13

Nana Holds 2-23-13

remember thinking, that little boy knows what he wants and is not afraid to show us with actions, actions that weren’t always positive in nature. As he learned to talk, he learned to voice those needs and wants with words, and so began the necessity for the lesson about manners, which is a whole other subject. I remember having many moments of just stopping, staring at him after he voiced a want, which at that age is a need, and I experienced this sense of melancholy envy, a sort of bittersweet envy if you will, that he was able to express himself so freely. Why can’t we all just be like that? I wondered silently. Why can’t we ask for what we want, say what we mean and not be worried about someone not liking us, or causing someone to be mad or rattle someone’s cage? I mean the inhibitions can go on and on.

And then there’s marriage . . . Wow, talk about a perfect example of silent rules and annoying assumptions! Back in February, I was finally learning how to voice my wants and needs with my husband but — Yes, there’s a “but” –not entirely without an attitude. Let me try to explain what I mean. I’m a firm believer that dating is for marriage and therefore, so is romance. Well, I “assume” my husband believes as I do and so when we go weeks and weeks without him planning any sort of date and/or romantic something, I used to get so mad, but instead of expressing my need and/or want, I would bottle it, every time I felt this way! Eventually the cork would pop and my broom and I would go for a ride! First of all, why would I assume that he knew what I wanted without me letting him know? How about helping around the house? Don’t we assume that they know we want and need the help? What about helping with the kids? What about participating around the house; don’t we assume that they should want to do whatever it is that we deem needs done without asking? Do we really have to ask? The answer is absodarnlutely – that’s an Evinda-ism — positively yes!

I could fill up pages of where I’ve fallen short in this area, but suffice it to say that by the time I stood before everyone for our Revival for Relationships workshop, I wasn’t having as much trouble asking for what I wanted and needed, but I was struggling a bit with the attitude with which I would ask.

What about you? Do you find yourself assuming that others know what you want and/or need without you telling them?

Join me tomorrow for the next symptom in this relationship infection and for ways in which He can treat it!


Nana Holds!

Nana Holds!

P.S. Join me at 1:00 Pacific time today for more of our Blog Talk Radio show on this very subject, the relationship infection, aka, co-dependency!


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One Response to “Nana Holds from Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power”

  1. Loni says:

    What about you? Do you find yourself assuming that others know what you want and/or need without you telling them?

    This one stings – as so very often, my husband of 28 years will ask what I want to do – and then, proceed to do what he wants to do – such as what restaurant to go to, do we want to take kids somewhere, to go to church at night or not, how to spend $$, etc. that I feel it’s better for me NOT to share – because it can get overrun anyway and then I am not hurt when my idea really did not matter anyway. So, I am saying more and more – whatever he wants to do – that I do not have an opinion.