For Better or for Worse…
Hosea 2:19-20 “I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in loving kindness and mercy; 20 I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord.
Wow, it’s Wednesday…again! Grab your beverage and your strand of faith (red 1-2 foot strand of yarn) and let’s go tie some knots in our faith.
So how do I do this, share with you one of the darkest places my heart went to in a very, very long time? Well, from my heart, I guess, especially now that it’s beyond it…sort of. ☺ See, I am in a season of marriage that to be honest, most people walk away from, allowing the circumstances to tear them apart, pitting them on opposite sides. I get it now; I’ve gotten a VERY clear picture of how the enemy tries to do this in marriages for I am living it now and have been for quite some time, but I’m not giving the enemy that satisfaction! Come with me to one of my toughest revelations after a very hard day of court reporting.
I walked out of my second deposition for the day, a doctor’s deposition, trying not to cry. I felt like turning in my CSR license; like I had dropped way too much to be considered competent, a good reporter. I got to watch this testosterone contest between the questioning attorney and the doctor who was giving him answers he didn’t like! It was just one of those days, a bad writing day. At the end of the proceeding, one of the attorneys kindly asks: “Can I have a rough draft of this deposition and the one from this morning tomorrow?” “Sure,” I say with an outward smile that didn’t translate within.
This was truly a financial blessing, but all I could think of is the work I was going to have to do to clean it up in order to send a rough draft, and my carpal tunnel and tendonitis were flaring up and the pain alone was enough to make me cry!
As soon as my guy saw me, he got out of the car, ready to take my machine for me – he’s sweet like that☺ He had driven me to work in hopes of coming home with a car that was for sale near my first job. As he took my machine and put it in the car, I asked him about the car and held my breath, praying he had finally found one. Nope, it was not to be. He told me the car that was advertised to be in “great condition” was a piece of poop.
My heart sank to lower depths. I grabbed my laptop from the back and got in, ready to work on the way home, hoping I’d get at least one of the two jobs done by the time we got home. I’m not sure what sent me over the edge: my sheer exhaustion, my dashed pride from expert witnesses who seemed to have no concern for the job I have to do, the bad news of the car which meant we were still down to one car, the computer acting up as I desperately pounded its keys with frustration in an effort not to reach out and lash out verbally or physically to my guy who I was suddenly angry with. Up to this point, for almost 18 months, I’d been letting go of any bitterness and frustration of him being unemployed…daily! I guess everyone has their limits…maybe it was the ghastly combination!
The more I pounded on the keys the angrier I became. I can’t even describe the feeling that began to course through my very blood that pumps to my heart, but it was an old familiar feeling that hadn’t reared its ugly head for years and years. I could taste the bitter turning to hate…for my husband! What in the world was happening to me? Just when I thought I’d explode with the power of it, he pulled in somewhere to go to the bathroom! Oh, God is so good, protecting me from myself. ☺ ☺
That car door wasn’t even shut and the tears began pouring out. I began to give God a what-for and a how-could-you and a why-can’t-you just get him a job? I didn’t plan it like this, Lord, How am I supposed to do ministry, and work nearly full-time? It felt so good to get it out, but as soon as I noticed George coming out of the bathroom, I began scrambling for more napkins because I was a snotty mess. My chaotic cries of confusion were now filled with Godly sorrow as I realized where my soul was…in the gutter of defeat and victimization. I continued to cry ever so quietly, trying desperately to catch the snotty mixed tears in my one little napkin before they fell on my computer and short-circuited it. Then I’d really be in a mess!
I know he saw my tear-stained face, had to have seen me trying to discreetly wipe at my snotty nose, but he didn’t know what to do so like most guys, he did nothing! ☹ I could go off on another tangent here, but I won’t. Suffice it to say that my guy has not learned the art of comforting…and I definitely don’t make it easy. I mean, who wants to wrap their arms around a porky pine or a skunk giving off a horrible odor for that matter?
He just began to drive as if he hadn’t noticed and I returned to my computer, a bit calmer, oddly enough. What’s really weird is I know my Heavenly Father loved me no less in that fit I was having.
Let’s push the pause button right here: See, this is where faith meets covenant, where love becomes a choice, a verb, not a feeling. Unfortunately this is when most people climb out, or run out of the confines and parameters of covenant, because it’s too hard, they’re not happy, this isn’t what they signed up for. Oh, friend, can I tell you, God isn’t after your happiness as much as He is your character. He will relentlessly continue to do what it takes to refine what needs to go. And though it may look like the “other” one is causing your pain, I continue to learn that there’s always something for me as a result of the “other” person’s choices and that’s what I have control over.
So as we made our way home, I realized down in my gut that we are in one of those seasons of proving our confessions of love entered into almost 12 years ago, a testing of our faith, our commitment to God and then to one another. I could walk away and forever have regrets because of all I know, and not being able to handle the “worst” part of the vow, or I could push through, allowing God to be my first husband, connecting me to this man emotionally, physically and spiritually, asking Him to help me love him through this. It’s when we choose to love that revelations come! I’ll share the rest of this next week!
Until then, may you choose to love because of Who first loved you