What’s in the Middle of Pride? From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power

Welcome to Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power and thanks for coming by. If you’re a mom, I hope you made many sweet memories that will squeeze your heart with a smile for years to come. Grab your coffee and come on in. I’m about to tell on myself, again. 🙂 Ugh!

What I’m about to share with you is in NO way meant to be gossip. My true heart’s desire is that my transparency and revealing of my own mistakes will be a red flashing light in your own life that will help put the brakes on any untimely outburst you may think you need to have. It is lessons learned that shine the light of wisdom on our journeys.

Not too long ago, I had one of those moments that I will probably never, ever forget, a moment that washed me with the soap of humiliation and brought some hurt to the surface to be rinsed away.

It happened toward the end of a book-signing. I was sitting there with a few friends who had come by to support and visit me. We were talking and we saw this person pull up in the parking lot. My heart dropped and fear started running through my veins. See, I’ve wanted to talk with this person for almost a year now to try and resolve an unsolved problem, but the situation requires my husband to lead us toward resolution.

Anyway, my pulse began to race as he walks towards the entrance, in the door and then toward us. He said “hi” to my friends, and then to me. It was one of those awkward moments of tension that was a bit thick and would require a knife to cut through. Then very genuinely he asked about George. I could tell he missed him.

I can’t really explain what switch got turned on inside, but I became one of those foolish persons that Proverbs 29:11 talks about and started spilling my emotions, beginning with, “Do you really want to know how George is, because I’ll tell you . . .”

I could feel my girlfriend — who is also a member of my book team — that was to my immediate left hunker down a bit in her chair as if to hide, and as my feelings continued to launch out like a rocket set for takeoff, they got up and went to the other side to sit with some other friends who had just come in to see us. Do you think that stopped me? Oh, no, I kept on blasting away. 🙁 I fired questions at him, asking him why this and this and this had happened, of which he said he was unaware, and to every question his statement was the same: Why haven’t you guys come in? You of all people know I have an open door.”

I launched off each time with another scenario that I felt contradicted his open door policy, and then suddenly, it was like time stood still for just a few seconds, and he brought the rocket back to the launching pad. I could see he was reeling from it all. “You’ve just given me like four things here and this is completely inappropriate. You know what the word says about stuff like this.”

I looked at him, a bit confused for a second, and thought he was accusing me of being angry, but he wasn’t. He said “I’m not talking about your attitude; I’m talking about the inappropriateness of the timing. This is completely inappropriate. Look at all this hurt you have. There is a time and a place for this to come out and this isn’t it.”

OMG, I was rendered speechless and humility wrapped around me as though it were my favorite blanket. “I’m so sorry; you are absolutely right.” I began to tear up. “It’s just this has been so heavy on my heart for almost a year now, and I had no idea when I was going to see you again. I’m so, so sorry.” He reiterated his open-door policy and reminded me that family talks things out. By this time a couple of our friends were making their way over to say good-bye but before they left, my former pastor said, “Hey, let’s pray,” and so there we all were, huddled together in prayer.

Prayer works like water on a fire; let me tell you. 🙂 When he left and I was packing up, I had no regrets for what I had said, but I did feel awash with shame at my inappropriate and untimely emotional outburst. If I could have found a rock big enough to crawl under and hide away for a long, long time, I would have done so, but God, in His amazing sovereignty and grace, had a beautiful diamond to hand me in the midst of all my self-loathing.

The next morning in my quite time, He revealed to me that hurt is often rooted in pride, not always, but often, and pride was most definitely wrapped around the hurt that I was blasting out to my former pastor. What’s in the middle of pride? I, I, I, I, I . . .

Oh, I have much to learn, and I’m praying for an opportunity to right that wrong. Please join me tomorrow as I share another thing rooted in pride that I’ve had to learn and relearn over and over again.

Humbly,

Evinda

 

 

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3 Responses to “What’s in the Middle of Pride? From Coffee Hour @ Chicklit Power”

  1. Jan Bachelor says:

    It never ceases to amaze me how open and honest you can be about yourself personally. Most of us, me included, don’t want to show our, let’s say bad timed displays of control to the world. I think it is quite a HUGE thing to admit to and humble oneself to be able to say, “Why did I do what I did when I did it?” We all say or do things that are not necessarily untruths, but it is like the proverbial, “Screaming fire in a crowded room”. It is absolutely true that there was a fire, but could we have presented it in a more controlled way? Of course, but I would have passed it off as if it was the “mouse-in-my-pocket” that caused me to make a situation unpalatable. It is just being human and we are not even close to perfect. But to come out and boldly confess-WOW, that’s awesome humbleness and I truly admire you for taking the “hit”. Bless you for doing your part! Let’s see how others do theirs. XXXOOO

  2. Marx Vitiello says:

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