Good morning, my friends! Thank you for being here as I continue sharing my journey. Sometimes it’s hard to share. At times I feel perhaps I am sharing too much of the darkness, but I pray it shines light for someone else and ultimately that we are all led closer and closer to the Light.
Last week, I ended with the fact that often I was left in sadness and confusion. So much so that I began to lose myself. I came to a place where I had no feelings…only numbness. Yes, I still felt anger and it came out often, but that was it. I began to resign myself to this hollow, empty life. In my journal entry dated June 10, 2008, I wrote of my despondency and asked the question, what in the world is going to change this situation?
That very night, I got the phone call about a baby being available for adoption. At the time, I knew God was answering my prayer about being a mom. Perhaps THIS was what would be the ‘thing’ that finally brought my husband happiness. He had often stated that the only thing that would make his life complete was a family. Of course, this weighed heavily on me since it appeared I was to ‘blame’ for not being able to conceive. As I have shared in previous blogs, this darling baby did become ours. The night we went to pick our two-day-old daughter up, I had a terrible anxiety attack before we left. I had a vision of my life changing completely and at the moment it felt so overwhelming I could hardly breathe or stop crying. I attributed it to how quickly our lives were changing by becoming parents; however, I now know it was much more than that.
For a short time, it appeared that being a parent did bring him happiness. However, it did not take long for old patterns to set in, as well as my realization that this indeed was not the longed for answer. His work days became even longer. He told me not to ask him to pick up diapers or formula, but he did say that he would be inspecting the bottles to make sure they were washed properly.
We had long joked about his having OCD, but it was no longer funny. He was diagnosed with it about the time our daughter was eight months old. The doctors put him on some medication that was to help. Alas, that became the final straw. But, the light was beginning to shine.
I had a baby to take care of! I took time off work to be a mom and though I was sleep deprived and exhausted, I truly loved it. The strain between us was worsening, but I no longer had the time to cater to different whims…nor did I care anymore. I had long suspected that if I stopped trying to make it work, things would explode. I didn’t have long to wait after thinking that.
One night, in an ugly disagreement, I blurted out “You know what, I don’t even like you.” (By the way, narcissists cannot handle criticism or dislike) The rage that set off in him has lasted until this day, to be honest. He left the next day for work and never came home to stay again. He’d come home to shower, which is how I found out there was another woman by seeing her phone number and name on his phone. Suddenly, he was making trips to New York to see this woman, all the while telling me he wanted to make our marriage work. His behavior became very bizarre, and I later learned that the medication he was on put him into full blown Bipolar 2 Disorder. (I later began to understand that there are many variations of these disorders and many of them carry narcissistic traits)
During the next six months I had hundreds of texts and emails spewing years of his pent-up apparent anger and hatred of me. In one day I got over one hundred texts listing my faults, my character flaws, all I had done wrong. The most painful of which was he said he left me because I could not have my own children.
I was devastated. I could not eat. I lost 20 lbs. All this time, the light in my life was my daughter. I have no idea how I got up each day to keep going. I attribute it to God, to my parents, my sisters and the many dear supportive friends I have.
I began to research the disorders he’d been diagnosed with, and the light shone brighter. Suddenly, I had an explanation for all that had happened over the past ten years. I also began taking a long, hard look at myself and what I brought to the table. It has been very painful. The past six years have given me more knowledge on abuse, narcissism, personality disorders and broken relationships than I ever thought I’d needed to learn.
There are still some days that I do not know how to get up and keep going. There are days, weeks, where ugly emails come again, and I feel that same despair. However, I have many more brighter days now than dark ones. I still love being a mom to that darling baby who is now a 1st grader. She is part of the answer to the question I had that night…and I will be forever grateful to how God is working. Sharing my story is another part of that answer!
Until next week, be blessed,